This Night
by cherry619
Summary: Dean may not see it. Sam’s perfected his mask over the years but he’s falling deeper and deeper. Warning: Mentions and doings of self-harm you've been warned.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: **This one came out of left field and contains pretty mean Dean. I know not my normal mo but with the stress surrounding him Dean gets moody. Plus high levels of bad language. It also contains depressed Sam so you've been warned and also sensitive subjects like self harm. I mention that it may not be pretty. Sammy may be a mess when I get through with him but I always clean him up when I'm done. The lyrics mentioned in the story are Black Lab-This Night and they are the whole inspiration to this so I must, must, must stress to go check the song out. Not only is it an awesome song but a creepy resemblance for Sam. Seriously it's a dead ringer for his life summed up in one song. So if ya have the time go check it out. Thanx Charity

* * *

_There are things, I have done. _

_There's a place, I have gone. _

_There's a beast, And I let it run._

_ Now it's runnin' my way._

Sam nervously sat in the Impala as his brother rebounded down the road. He was pretending to be asleep…but his sleep was plagued with nightmares upon nightmares of him unmercifully drinking demon blood again. Hell why even call them nightmares, he now enjoyed it. He wanted it. He hasn't craved anything so much. After getting out of the panic room everything went to the way it once was accept somewhat different. They were once in a version of their older selves. Where Dean was laughing and actually cracking jokes and Sam was fueling his fire. Now Dean won't even look at him in the eye. Sam was even ashamed to speak anymore. His occasional nods and muted yes' seem good

enough for Dean and that's how they have been functioning for the last week.

He's noticed that he's been jittery, paranoid and anxious. All in all, he feels like he belongs in a psyche ward instead of stopping the end of the world from happening and he knows that Dean thinks it too. Suddenly his hand began to twitch and he willed it to just stop not wanting to get into another argument with his brother.

"Sam, I know you're not sleeping."

Dean's loud voice had made him jump out of his seat as his heart sped up faster.

Dean responded by jerking the car a bit scared by his younger brother's actions, "Jesus Sam! Are you trying to get us killed?" Dean yelled angrily jerking the car back onto the road as his hands tightened instinctively around the steering wheel.

Sam took one look at Dean's angry posture and shook his head with vigor that was the only answer needed. Dean didn't seem to like lengthy answers or apologies from him so he's learned to just keep his trap shut.

"Well it sure seemed like you were trying. You weren't sleeping so; You know, I honestly didn't really think my company was that bad that you had to friggin' fake sleep." Dean seethed as his knuckles turned white.

Sam turned his head in shame as he realized what Dean must have thought. _How low can I slink to jeez? _Sam just shook his head again as his eyes remained open. Great he had a fuming brother in the driver's seat and probably a recovering addict in the passenger's seat. _What could be better? _

Sam breathed a sigh of relief as they made it to their intended destination. It wasn't the least bit appetizing though. The motel was probably rat infested and had beds that were too small and showers that only spurted out cold water but Sam could care less. As long as he could escape the damn tension that surrounded the car he would be fine.

"Man this friggin' place blows." Dean angrily stated as he stalked out of the car looking for a room.

Sam just looked on with wide eyes as he dragged his tired body out of the car looking for a bed. As Sam made sure Dean was already a ways, away from him did he then attempt to get out of the car. Slowly unwinding from the cramped position he had to steady himself as the world began to shift. Colors started to dance around his vision as he squinted up at the sun. He hung onto the top of the Impala for all it was worth as he started to sweat profusely.

His trembles began as the situation started to get out of control. _Come on! Get a hold of yourself. You're not going to faint like some wussy. _He tried telling himself that but as the minutes dragged on his outer self was begging to differ.

"Come on Sam I actually like to do some research for this hunt sometime today!" Dean's gruff voice shot out.

Sam's head swung round as his trembles stopped for the time being. He didn't know if Dean realized he actually spoke of them researching about a hunt in public or not but he knew it was wise not to ever mention Dean's mistake. Now a days Dean doesn't like to be wrong or admit that he ever was. He swallowed as the saliva pooled in his mouth.

_Dean was right we have more important business to do than worry about your sorry ass. _Sam looked down as part of his shirt sleeve revealed his pale skin and he suddenly knew why he was so sick. Horrified he pushed the shirt sleeve down and tried to make himself presentable to his brother. Turning to meet his brothers angered face he gave a shaky nod. "So what room are we in?"

* * *

Dean shifted through books and books on lore of the apocalypse. _Can you believe this crap!? _The freakin apocalypse and he's spending a perfectly good Saturday reading dusty old books about it. It's just unfathomable. He's knee deep in the apocalypse and he doesn't know how to dig his way out.

No, he can dig his way out of hell but he can't find a solution to dig his way out of this mess.

He and Sam have been bloodied, battered, and bruised into saying _yes_ and he's sick of this shit. He truly is. How many more times will he have to lock his baby brother up in a panic room and listen to him scream and cry out for big brother's help? Or how many more times does an evil supernatural creature have to tell him shit he already knows like he's dead inside. _Which thanks for reminding me famine but I already knew that dickwad. _

He breathed in deeply trying to calm his overworked nerves. Getting frustrated and angry wouldn't get him anywhere. Yeah but sitting here on a Saturday night with a brother who only does brooding instead of helping won't help none either.

Dean took a moment to look over at his brother from his perched position on the bed. Sam was hunched over the lap-top typing furiously as his eyes slid back and forth obviously trying to contain every bit of information on the screen. He was beginning to look like the living dead and that wasn't ok. No matter how much of a dick he was being to his brother over the last week he still cared about the damn kid.

He decided that the apocalypse could at least wait for the rest of Saturday night. Tonight was Winchester night.

Throwing the books off his lap he slid off the bed as he made his way over to his brother.

* * *

Sam was furiously typing away at the computer. Not for stopping the apocalypse though but for depression.

Sam has read numerous books in his time but he's never really took the time to read up on depression and find out what makes people tick…he finds that article rather interesting. Like whether it will take your wife cheating on you or yourself starting the apocalypse, drinking demon blood, getting detoxed off it but in-habitually drinking it again. In other words how much can one person take till they get pushed? He's pretty certain he's been pushed to his limits here lately.

Dean may not see it. Sam's perfected his mask over the years but he's falling deeper and deeper. From what he's read it says depression could hit you and you probably wouldn't even know it until it starts affecting your actual life. Sam's quite surprised that it took it this long to actually start affecting his actual life. If he's estimated correctly he's probably been depressed since Jess died he just hasn't known it.

Isn't that the saddest pity in his life?

So scrolling down slowly he's become fascinated with all the outcomes depression can have on people; Irritable, loneliness, panicky, feelings of anxiety, paranoia, thoughts of suicide, self-harm and death.

Sam had to stifle a laugh at the last one…_Death? _The word has become so foreign to him now so anyone threatening to kill him he just laughs in their face. It's almost a sad tragedy really.

It's the second to last one that has him concerned. He looked down at his covered wrist and swallowed. Sweat began to form on his brow as his hand twitched excitably. _No! _He told himself. He wouldn't do that again. The last time he did that was when Ellen and Jo died. He's better than that.

He was surprised when a hand clapped him on the shoulder. He almost jumped straight out of his chair.

"Whoa! Sammy it's just me." Dean assured as he held strong onto the chair his brother was sitting in.

Sam panicked at the thought that his brother might see what he was looking up so he hurriedly shut the lap-top. "So find anything yet?" Sam said shakily turning around in the chair to meet a very suspicious Dean.

"No I figu-" Dean drawled off as he eyed his brother. Sam looked like absolute crap up close. Sam's face was a milky color and the sweat dripping down wasn't doing anything for his skin completion either. He furrowed his brows as a smirk formed. "Sammy." Dean said in a childish tone as he waggled his eyebrows. "Were you not doing your work and _instead _doing big boy stuff only big brother can do like looking up porn?"

Sam's jaw dropped at the sheer boldness of the statement. He blew out a breath of relief that Dean wasn't on to him in anyway so to speak but porn? Really? Like porn would help the damn depression he felt go away. He wishes. If only wishes were fishes big brother…. If only. He decided he liked Dean's new playful attitude so he kept with it. Giving Dean the best smile he could muster now a days he confessed. "You caught me red handed Dean."

Dean's smile grew even wider at that statement as he seemed to beam even though the situation at hand really was rather creepy. "I knew it!" Dean shouted quite happy in his findings.

"Wait till I tell all our friends." Dean shouted happily.

Sam groaned as he put his hand to his forehead suddenly getting a headache at the idea of it all. "Dean we don't have any friends. Remember apocalypse hello?"

Dean's smile sort of dimmed down and Sam immediately felt guilty. The once happy mood immediately turned somber for him putting him right back to where he started. Depressed and it sucked.

"Since you distracted me with your perverted ways you've reminded me what I wanted to say. Me and you my brother are going out to the bar tonight to have a night off."

Sam frowned at that thought. He used to love going to the bar with Dean. Though he wasn't a drinker or much of a pool player it always seemed to calm him down. Family traditions just don't die ya know? _Except…when depression hits _he thought bitterly. Now he absolutely hates it. He hates going into crowed places because that's when his anxiousness and paranoia will pick up. He's pretty sure that people with depression didn't start the apocalypse or inadvertently drink demon blood or manage to back stab there brother so when he gets into crowed places he hears things none quite to pleasant and thus making him anxious in turn making him paranoid. All setting itself up for disaster. That is why he doesn't go to the bar unless he absolutely, necessarily, has to.

"Uh-De-Dean I don't-why don't you just go dude? I'll just hang out here catch a few zzz's or something." Sam answered shakily trying to find a way to weasel out of going.

"Uh uh Sammy this is Winchester night and your going so grab your coat so we can catch the 8:00 happy hour. You know I love happy hour because that's when the waitress gets up on the table-"

"Alright, alright!" Sam shouted not wanting Dean to go on any further.

Dean gave back a triumphant smirk. "I'll be waiting in the car while you primp in the mirror."

"Yeah, yeah." Sam said dejectedly. He couldn't believe that his brother pulled a fast one on him. His brother always knew how he hated long stories or reminiscences so to say of anything to do with women coupled with nakedness especially if his brother was involved somehow. Which he knew he most certainly was. Sam sighed as he looked both ways before quickly hurrying to his duffle bag.

Digging around in its contents he pulled out a small black case. Taking the black case to the bathroom he made sure he shut the door and locked it before opening the cases contents.

Sliding down on the floor he opened up the case with shaky fingers as anxiety took over. His heart was pounding at a mile a minute as he pulled out the small metal object inside. It gleamed in the light as his thumb and forefinger grasped it tightly though he didn't want to cut his fingers because knowing Dean he would notice it.

Rolling up his shirt sleeve he took a calming breath as he willed the old scars to go away to make room for the new ones this would surely bring on but just like you can't choose your family you can't choose your scars either. Almost with giddy delight he pressed the razor blade down onto his wrist and watched as the blood began to seep up over the wound. Each time he did this he pressed harder to just see what his limits were and he was actually impressed with himself. Taking the blade away he watched as blood began to weep from his wrist and slowly cry its tears down his arm onto the floor.

The wound was superficial but he knew that the aftermath would hurt they always did. Pain is pain. Taking a few calming breaths as his wrist began to sting he figured Dean was starting to get worried now so he got up and did his routine of washing off the blade and putting it back in it's safe compartment and grabbing a small gauze pad to wrap around his wrist to pacify him for the night once he cleaned the few drops of blood on the floor and changed his somber expression to a somewhat decent one he made his way out to the car.

* * *

**So what do you think? Should I trash it? It is to dark or to out there even though we know that our Sammy is very soft-spoken and Dean is very ill-tempered and they both have different ways of grieving. Thus this is the physiological battle with depression. My mother had it for years so I'm not pulling this stuff out of thin air people. Sometime the person can be happy sometimes there the saddest person around that's depressed for ya. Or bi-polar lol. Anywho just tell me if ya liked it. Thanx Charity**

**P.S here's the video featuring the song and our Sammy it's really good I suggest checking it out u-tube****.com/watch?v=3OlTs72mKDs**** (Not mine so the credit goes to the vidder) (type in the www.u-tube part you know what I mean lol)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note:** I am so happy that you all are digging this. This has been the bane of my existence for a long time now. I just didn't post it because I kept going back in and changing everything. I know I still have errors and stuff like probably with my English and the form of writing but hey I'm trying and that's all I can say. Thanx Charity

* * *

_There are things, I regret. _

_That you can't forgive. You can't forget._

_ There's a gift, That you sent. _

_You sent it my way. _

As Dean walked up to the bar with stride he plastered a cocky grin on his face to match his cocky swagger. The only dent in his other wise happy mood was his brother. This was supposed to be a Winchester night so to speak. A fun night. On fun nights your generally suppose to have fun. Sam's demeanor and attitude spoke nothing of having fun but exactly the opposite. He was a good three steps behind him and his posture was hunched over as both hands were fisted into his hoodie which he seemed to wear practically everyday, even in the hottest of weather. What struck out to Dean the most was Sam's frown. He never really saw Sam smile anymore. He understood the reasons why Sam wouldn't want to smile but Dean still smiled. Why wasn't Sam at least half-smiling or even grinning for god sakes? Instead of being concerned like he usually would Sam's new attitude was pissing him off.

Week after week he's had to pretty much talk to a brick wall. Sam was void of any emotions unless you forced him to talk or engage in conversations. There conversation earlier tonight was the only testament that Sam was still alive. Sam hasn't spoken to him or even verbalized a damn joke in god knows how long and it's starting to get irritating. He's trying though. God he's trying. He gave Sam a fun night away from thinking and away from the apocalypse and by god Sam is going to have fun.

Dean briefly turned around before he got to the entrance putting on his most authoritative voice he could muster he stopped his brother dead in his tracks. "Sam this night is for fun remember."

"Yeah I remember." Sam murmured slouching even more if it were possible.

"So on this coveted night of fun you're abided to have fun." Dean smiled as Sam's eye's looked up to meet his. His smile soon left as soon as they both made eye contact. Sam's eyes spoke volumes as Dean stared into his baby brothers hazel orbs. They were dull and lifeless. Devoid of there normal sparkle and vibrancy that made them shine. What scared Dean the most was the pain and sorrow that radiated out through them squeezing the life out of his very being.

"What are you staring at?" Sam asked grumpily.

Dean shook himself out of his daze purposefully diverting eye contact as he nodded towards the door. "Let's just go." Dean soon turned around and pushed open the greasy double doors. He didn't know why but Sam's eyes really freaked him out. One man shouldn't have that much pain it's just not that possible. He quickly shook all his thoughts as he absorbed in the atmosphere of the bar. Sleezy, cheezy, and easy. Just how he likes it. He wouldn't let Sam put a damper on his mood again. He's been letting Sam put a damper on his relatively good moods for weeks. Not tonight though. Tonight is Dean's night and on Dean's night he's gonna have fun.

* * *

Sam trudged in after his brother narrowly missing the door getting slammed in his face by Dean's eagerness to enter the bar. As soon as he entered all eyes were on him and it made his anxiety notch up a couple of steps. _Damnit I knew this would happen. _

Desperately looking for a lone table to ride out the night he almost slammed into a couple of bar patrons, tripped over a drunken man, and had drinks spilled on him. _Yeah this would be a fun night alright. _Spotting an otherwise empty table Sam grabbed it at first chance as he dove for its safety. Making himself impossibly smaller he hunched over in the booth hoping the night would go off without anyone talking too him or annoying him.

Looking at his left wrist with a sigh he almost wished he could be doing something else.

Scanning the area for Dean he wasn't surprised to find him enthralled in talking to a few of the women at the bar. _At least Dean is having a good time. _He sighed as he drummed his fingers absently on the dirty table wishing he would have at least brought his lap-top but knowing Dean he would have taken it away.

That put a frown on his face as he thought of all the things Dean limits him on. Why? Because Big Brother is always right. _I think that line is getting a little old there Dean._ Ever since he drank demon blood again he's been limited on his freedom. Even though he _willingly_ told Dean about his cravings and _willingly _went into the panic room. It's just not good enough. Nothing ever is in this lifetime. _Just another thing to be depressed about. Great. _

He could see all the times Dean gets frustrated or angry when he doesn't conjure in Dean's small talk but Sam's not sure he really has much to give anymore. Dean's trying and Sam can't put it into words how much he appreciates or thanks Dean for all he's done but he really doesn't have much to say these days. Who does? When the world is coming to an end and your strung up like a junkie; again. Plus you got another fix for self-inflicting harm there's not much to say. _Just another day for Sam Winchester. _

This was going to be a long night.

* * *

Dean was having a blast.

He wasn't sure if it was the amount of alcohol he consumed that was misguiding his fun meter but hell fun is fun and he was having it. Thanks to Mandy on one side or was it Megan? And the lovely Sasha or was it Sara? Anywho they were both interested in Dean Winchester and Dean Winchester was interested in them.

Screw what famine said. Dead inside my ass. He still has his fire power. Mina and Sally here prove it. Both girls giggled as Dean smiled and Dean couldn't help but laugh too. He was starting to think that he's had way too many shots but who the hell cares anymore. Live a little. He has a brooding brother and an angel who wants to wear him like a bad prom date. So why not have fun?

"So lad'es I got th's fr…iend right." Dean slurred as he fingered his next shot. The girls hung onto his every word like it was a life line and he couldn't have been more happier. "He's to'lly co'l." He smiled at the memory.

"What's your friend's name?" One of them purred. _Which Dean really couldn't tell which one at the moment. _

"Uh… wha..t we t'lkin 'bout?"

* * *

Sam lazily eyed the bar patrons as he once again scanned the scene for a threat. This was normally Dean's job but Dean was too busy getting hammered to even spell his own name. Sam sighed. It was so typical of Dean to do this. Getting drunk was almost in Winchester code after traumatic experiences. Some how like always Sam broke that code. Like he always does Sam didn't follow orders.

Sam shook his head of the burdening thoughts. This wasn't getting him no where. Sitting in this bar was just adding to the cause. Sam unwound himself from the booth and made his way over to his drunken sibling at least to alert him of his departure.

He grimaced when he saw what state Dean was really in. Two girls who could pass off as go-go dancers were hanging off Dean like bad dates and Dean was just giggling away. Taking small steps he gingerly tapped Dean on the shoulder and was surprised when Dean whirled around and punched him in the face.

* * *

Dean was quite content with the two phone numbers he received and promises of 'things' to do later on. He wasn't sure what Sam would say but now he just didn't care.

He was surprised when a hand came in contact with his shoulder and his first instinct was to get whoever it was off him. He spun quickly around and punched the guy as hard as he could in the face.

Maria and Sandy gave surprised gasps and he gave a triumphant grin at his accomplishment that is till he noticed who he face planted on the floor. He quickly sobered up and looked down on the floor with concern. "Shit! Sammy?" Dean bent down on the floor quite concerned that he punched his brother not only that but his punch was hard enough to knock his 6'4 brother out like a light surrounding the circumstances that he was indeed drunk and his punch wasn't that hard.

He quickly came up to touch Sam's cheek and winced at the widening bruise across Sam's jaw. He would definitely need to ice it when they got home to keep the swelling down. "Sam? Come on wake up for me." He coaxed but Sam was out like a light and that seriously freaked him out. Sam shouldn't have been knocked out by a drunken man's punch. Something else was going on.

Dean bit the inside of his lip as Sam just laid still on the floor. A crowd was beginning to form and he noticed that Macy and Sade or whatever the hell there name is fled the scene. _Thanks ladies for all your moral support._ "Sammy can you hear me?" He tried again lightly tapping his brother's cheek but Sam was out. I didn't hit him that hard? Did I?

Guilt ate away at his stomach like crazy as drunks and women started to crowd around them fascinated by this new spectacle. Dean wasn't in the mood. "What the hell does this look like? Free entertainment? Go back to the sewers where you came from." He growled as he covered Sam's body from there prying eyes.

He got a few stream of curses but thankfully they all listened. Dean would just have to take Sam back and try to figure out what's wrong from there.

* * *

**So what do you think? What will happen to Sammy and Dean for that matter? I know how it will all end hehehe So just tell me what ya think or drop a line or something. Feedback is appreciated. Thanx Charity**


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors Note: **I'm so happy with the results of this story you guys have been story alerting this liek crazy and I'm glad that this didn't come across as too dark. So if you keep on reading then I'll keep on wititng of course a review every now and again would be nice lol. Thanx Charity

* * *

_So, take this night. _

_Wrap it around me like a sheet. _

_I know I'm not forgiven, _

_But I need a place to sleep. _

_So, take this night. _

_Lay me down on the street. _

_I know I'm not forgiven, _

_But I hope that I'll be given Some peace. _

Dean didn't know what was going on but he hardly liked it. One minute he was having a great time forgetting about all the crap he usually deals with the next…? He's staring down at his unconscious brother feeling very sobered up and also suddenly very dateless.

How the hell did this happen? Dean spared a glance over to Sam in the passenger seat as his eyes shone with worry at the increasing size of Sam's jaw. He didn't hit him that hard. He was drunk his hand eye co-ordination was off. Wasn't it? Sam was still out cold and that worried him more than Sam's rapidly swelling face. Sam was always the one who tended to get more bruises or more puffy after a hit. Especially to his face. As a kid when they were sparring, he would always try to go easy on him due to the fact that he didn't want to see the image of Sam with vivid bruises the next day. That he put there himself. It's like hell all over again except he isn't a 15-year-old boy anymore. He knows better than this especially with Sam.

Gripping the steering wheel tighter he tried to settle his rising fear as he pressed harder on the gas pedal.

* * *

Lugging an unconscious brother into a motel room isn't easy in more ways than one. He's pretty sure that there's a better way to do this. Of course, he wouldn't have to do this if he didn't punch his brother in the face. _Why didn't I think of that? _

Depositing Sam off onto his bed Dean meticulously went to work as worry started to eat away at him. Sam should be awake by now. _I only punched him in the jaw for cripes sake! _Peering closely to Sam's face he had to hide back his grimace at the mottled bruise that now decorated Sam's jaw. It was pretty massive in size and in any other terms Dean would be impressed. The right side of his jaw was already swelling to massive proportions. The black and blue hues were mixing and morphing as the swelling took over.

Dean bit his lip as he gently touched the area around Sam's jaw. What he didn't expect though was Sam's eyes to pop wide open and knock him flat on his ass.

* * *

Sam's eyes flew open at the unwanted touch. His jaw hurt and he didn't think he could possibly formulate words if he tried. The pain was eating away all the way down to his teeth and sending lighting jolts of pain up through his skull. His jaw felt slack and he desperately tried to clear his vision to try to make sense of it all. Blinking rapidly his blurry vision came into view as a crouched figure tried to calm him down. Squinting to focus he gasped as he recognized who it was. "D'nnnnn" His voice came out like a whine as pain shot through his jaw.

"Shhhh." Dean shushed Sam calmly as his heart beat frantically. Dragging his hands through Sam's hair, he tried to control his own breathing before he spoke. "Don't try to talk ok? Your jaw's swelling up and it's going to be painful to talk. Just calm down for me Sammy." He smiled when Sam looked up at him through bleary eyes, as he seemed to comprehend his words.

Jaw. Talking. Pain? Dean punched him. He remembered now as if it had been showed to him in slow replay. Dean fucking punched him! In Dean's defense, he was drunk but still he fucking punched me. _He better fix this shit and fast _he thought bitterly. This is all Dean's fault. If he hadn't been forced to go to that stupid bar then none of this would have happened. This is one of the main problems why he doesn't tell Dean shit.

Seeing the rising anger in Sam's eyes, he figured that Sam put two-and-two together and figured out what happened. Guilt suddenly replaced his worry. "I'm sorry Sammy I don't know what came over me. I was drunk I wasn't thinking straight. I'll fix this though, I promise." He whispered the last words as Sam's eyes still shone with fury.

Setting his eyes back to Sam's jaw, he noticed the swelling only increased taking over the left half of his face. "Sam I think we need the hospital for this one."

Sam shook his head weakly at the thought. Hospitals equal lousy doctors who think they know it all. _Yeah as if, a shiny plaque registers that right. _

"I'm sorry I think I sprained your jaw it's swelling pretty fast we need to get it fixed and get the swelling down." Dean's eyes were down cast as he spoke his heart was heavy with guilt, worry, concern, even a bit of anger.

Sam wasn't hearing any of it an odd ringing was still resonating in his ears. From what he knew, Dean punched him and by the feel of things, he punched him pretty damn hard. Things were beginning to spin out of control, as even breathing grew hard. His jaw throbbed in tune with his frantic heartbeat and he just wanted it all to end. Not just his brother getting drunk to drink away his pains, not only his brother punching him. He wanted everything to stop. The demon blood, the whole I started the apocalypse. The apocalypse itself, the prospect of becoming Lucifer's meat suit. When he thinks about it, he doesn't understand how he could live day to day like this.

Then he's reminded all over again why he does when a warm hand touches his still aching jaw. He flinched but still settled into the touch.

"I'll take care of this ok? Just go to sleep it'll be over soon." Dean whispered.

Sam really wasn't hearing anything but once he caught on he could sleep he quickly closed his bloodshot eyes. Dean would fix this. Dean would fix his mess like he always does. _And doesn't that make depression hurt even worse? _

* * *

Pulling up slowly to the E.R entrance Dean shut the engine off with a sigh. He looked over at Sam and his heart only broke more. Sam was passed out against the window a makeshift ice pack pressed against his jaw to try and stop the swelling. Of course, the icepack was a soggy mess now but Dean would try anything to make it all go away. Dean was 99% sure Sam had a sprained jaw. He fingered Sam's jaw gently and was relieved to find that his jawbone wasn't out of whack. At least one part of his day could be set in relief. The only troubling aspect about telling if it was sprained is all the swelling. Dean once sprained his jaw but he didn't swell up like a balloon. There was some swelling but it went down the next day. Sam was just prone to swelling up in the midst of injury. Sam was different then himself.

Dean sighed as he unbuckled himself and then promptly went over to the passenger side to get Sam out. If he could help it, he wouldn't wake Sam but his arm muscles were sorely overstretched from the day's events of carrying Sam to and fro.

Opening the door with a slight creak, he shook Sam's shoulder and was relieved Sam opened his eyes this time. "Were here." He commented. He then began to remove the soggy mess of the ice pack and was concerned that the swelling didn't go down any.

Sam blinked his bleary eyes trying to connect what _were here _enthralls. His jaw was emanating a slow sick throb that was making his stomach roll. He didn't dare try to speak or even open his mouth. To scared, that he wouldn't be able to close it again. Figuring Dean knew what they were doing Sam complied not real sure what was going on around him.

Untangling himself from the car he swayed a bit at first as everything seemed to go in slow motion.

Dean quickly grabbed Sam's swaying form scared that Sam could fall and injure himself more. "Easy." He soothed as soon as he reigned in on Sam's shirt. "We'll take it slow."

Sam wasn't hearing anything except the constant throbbing of his jaw and the unexpected stinginess of his left wrist. Pain mixed and blended and Sam just obeyed to what Dean said.

* * *

Dean was nervously biting his fingernails as he sat in the exam room with Sam. Sam was for the most part out of it and really had no sense of what was going on. That scared him even more. _What could be taking the damn doctor so long? _

As soon as he said that, a man in his early thirties stepped into the room with a smile plastered on his face. Dean already decided he did not like the man. How could the guy smile giving the present situation? Hell, given the situation that's been going on for weeks.

"Hi I'm Dr. Nadue what seems to be the problem here." He smiled as he turned to his current patient.

Dean's frown intensified. Couldn't the damn doctor tell Sam couldn't talk let alone reign in on what the hell the guy was saying? "Me and my brother were sparring and I accidentally popped him in the jaw. A lot harder then I usually do and I think he sprained it." The story was only a half a lie. He hit Sam accidentally but that doesn't make it any better.

The doctor nodded with seriousness as he turned to his patient. H could now see the rapidly swelling face and the bruise that dominated his jaw. He winced. "Where are your signs of discomfort?" He asked gently but he frowned when his patient didn't respond.

Dean piped up. "He's kind of out of it." Dean offered up at the doctor's confusion. "He can't really talk anyway his jaw is swollen shut." Dean said sadly.

The doctor nodded. "What are the symptoms?" He asked to his patient's brother as he gently touched his jaw. Unnerved that there was no reaction.

"Other than the swelling, pain, discomfort when talking, the bruising." Dean shrugged since there wasn't much to offer.

Feeling along his face, he denoted that it was a sprain. "Well your calculations were correct he sprained it. I'd like to keep him overnight or at least till the swelling goes down and we can then administer pain medication."

Dean nodded not really surprised with the outcome.

"Let me get a few of my nurses and we'll have," The doctor looked down at his clipboard and quickly drawled off his patient's name. "Sam a room. You can wait for him to get settled out in the waiting room."

"Can I stay with him?" Dean said quickly fearing the idea of parting with his brother.

The doctor smiled. "It'll be quick just 5-10 minutes tops and I'll come get you when he's settled."

"I guess." Dean stated not happy with the outcome.

* * *

Sam was floating not really aware of his surroundings. He could hear two people talking and he could tell one was his brother but he didn't seem to care. His eyes lazily danced across the room as he tried to at least shut his brain off for the time being. It was running on overdrive as different thoughts popped into his head.

He was then aware of people touching him, urging him and asking him to follow them. He complied not really sure why he was listening to these strangers.

It seemed as if time passed by fast because before he knew it he was lying down in a comfortable bed and he could feel the horrible sting of something pumping through his veins. _Other than demon blood. _He cringed at the thought. Coldness was pressed against his jaw then he was told to rest.

_Well that's great only if my mind will let me. _

He sighed as he closed his eyes and tried to relax. He could hear more muttered voices now and they seemed louder and belligerent. He cringed back trying to hide in the comfort of the pillow.

The voices went on for hours it seemed and Sam was fascinated by the mix of emotions they displayed. When they ended, he was somewhat sad. _There goes his entertainment. _What happened next he didn't expect people grabbed his wrist and he thought they were checking a pulse but something was quickly encircled around both wrist and tightened. His eyes flew open in panic as he tried to lift his wrist up but they wouldn't budge.

Looking around the room now with seriousness he could tell he was in some sort of hospital and he knew that was a bad idea considering what he's housing on his wrist. Shit. Where was Dean? What if Dean found out? What would he think of his blood-sucking brother then?

Sam began to panic as he tugged uselessly at his bonds. The machines around him went wild and it all mixed with the pain still radiating in his jaw, which now throbbed with life that he was straining.

"Mmmm'dmnn" He mewled pitifully as he asked for his brother or at least tried. The nurses (or he thinks there nurses) looked at him sadly almost with pity. His eyes shone with unshed tears.

That was until something else was flowing through his veins. Not a fiery burn or a burden but a claming sense. He calmed down immediately as his eyes grew heavy. Looking around the room, he was still getting looks of pity and he just wanted to curl up in a ball and die.

* * *

Dean paced the waiting room in a continuous cycle. It was now promptly 11 minutes since he seen Sam. That was just to long for his liking.

He was pretty sure that he worn grooves into the floor until footsteps echoed down the corridor. Looking up with hope filled eyes he sighed in relief with the presence of Sam's doctor. "How's Sam? When can I see him?" He quickly drawled off. That's when he noticed the troubled expression on the doctor's face and he frowned.

"What?" He asked slowly not sure what was troubling him.

"Dean you may need to sit down for this." The doctor sighed as he felt the beginnings of a headache coming on.

"No! Damnit where's my brother? What's wrong?" He shouted scaring a few nurses at there desks. His heart was beating faster as he feared the worst.

"His jaw is fine Dean we have it under control and he's sleeping right now-"

"But what?" Dean added fearing the 'but' coming.

"Dean did you know Sam was cutting himself?" The doctor asked sadly.

That's when all pretenses left the building and pure horror crawled up and incapacitated him. "Oh god…" He managed to cry out before it all became so overwhelming. So many emotions came to mind. Anger, worry, sadness, guilt. It all become too much for him to handle. Lights and sounds merged as the crisp white floor came to meet his face.

* * *

**So what do you think? Is it still good still suspenseful? Alot of you have been guessing how Dean finds out and most of you were almost on mark. But that's the joy in writing suspense. It's the thrill of not knowing what's gonna happen that's why I love cliffhangers so much. Hope you enjoyed this and are still sticking with it. Feedback is appreciated. Thanx Charity**


	4. Chapter 4

**Authors Note:** Since I finished this whole story I figured not to leave anything out and just post it all. I have a feeling if I tried to wait like a week each I'll eventually forget lol. That's just how I am. I'm really sastified with how this turned out and I hope you like it. Thanx Charity

* * *

_There's a game,_

_That I played._

_There are rules,_

_I had to break._

_There's mistakes,_

_That are made._

_But I made them 'em my way._

"_-ean-?"_

Dean furrowed his brow at the annoying voice beckoning him. It sounded like everything was underwater. He just wanted to sleep for a week.

"_Dean wake up." _

He's quite fine with sleeping actually. He wishes that the annoying voice would stop pestering him when he's trying to sleep.

"_We need you to wake up Dean." _

_Sheez fine. _Finally blinking his hazy eyes open he was met with a crisp white ceiling and faces all hovered around him. He immediately jerked back into the bed from the awkwardness and downright creepiness of it all. You try waking up to weird people staring at you.

Clearing his vision he immediately deemed that he was in a hospital. Hospital? When did he get to the hospital? "Wha' happin." He croaked out.

"You passed out in the waiting room."

Passed out? What the hell? What was I waiting on? Suddenly a light bulb went off in his head as he spouted off a sudden thought. "Sammy?"

Dean gauged the doctor's reaction and could see the doctor looked troubled. Dean was panicking himself. What happened that I can't remember?

"You brought your brother in for a sprained jaw remember?"

Ah…now he remembers. He inadvertently punched Sam in the jaw. Suddenly guilt replaced worry. He passed out because he discovered the news on Sam's jaw? That didn't sound right.

"Then we had a discussion about something else I discovered."

Dean frowned as he tried to remember this certain discussion. Everything after waiting in the waiting room was a blur. He knew Sam had a sprained jaw but after that it was fuzzy. Something was wrong he could feel it.

The doctor sensing Dean's confusion went on. "It was about your brother and…."The doctor gulped as he tried to get the words out. He knew that this was a sensitive subject and in these times he really wishes he had took up the job of dentistry instead. "We found out that Samuel had been cutting himself. One looked rather recent but there were scars to prove he's been doing this for awhile now."

Dean suddenly couldn't breathe. It felt as if an elephant was sitting on his chest. He now remembers why he passed out. Sam was cutting himself, has been for awhile. _Oh god. _How did he let his happen? How did Sam get past him and hide this stuff? Why? Even for that matter. He knew that the latest hardships were daunting but Dean never ever took up on self-harm or even the thoughts of suicide. How did Dean not notice that Sam was burning both ends? That he was dealing the hard life the only way that he seemed fit. How!? Damnit!

The doctor noticing Dean's oncoming panic attack rested a hand on his shoulder. "Breathe son, breathe."

Dean did as he was told taking shaking breaths in and out. He cleared his head for the time being as he looked at the doctor with hope. "Can I see him?"

The doctor smiled sadly. "Of course but he's been put on a 72 hour suicide watch. The number of scars there mirrored that he was addicted to what he was doing. We're going to help him Dean; there are ways to treat this."

Dean suddenly felt sick. A suicide watch? Jesus! How did it get this bad? Thinking about Sam cutting his life away really made him want to end it too. If Sam wasn't fighting then what did Dean have to live for? He knows that there relationship has been rocky since he initially got back from hell but he never gave up. He did what he thought was best. Even when all hope was lost and he thought that Sam wasn't his brother anymore_. He cringes at even the thought. _He still was reminded why he fights and why he should keep fighting. Sam. All it took was Bobby yelling at him to make him understand.

He fought ever since he was four years old. Fought for family, loyalty, even sanity. All he had to do was be reminded of why he fought and it urged him on.

With Sam (gulp) cutting himself and suddenly losing all hope. Dean lost hope right along with him and wasn't that depressing.

* * *

Sam turned his head to the side as he stared at the white wall. He was sweating profusely and he couldn't really comprehend why. The sweat surrounding his wrists and ankles were starting to make him panic. He couldn't move his ankles or wrists to let them dry. He pulled uselessly on them and found it no surprise that they were bound down. All of the sudden he was reminded of the panic room. The fear of being bound and being at the hands of Alastair. It made him shiver. His jaw felt awfully numb and it mirrored just how out of it he was. His jaw was hurting earlier. Badly. The pain it admitted was excruciating and immense. Now all was calm.

Except for the frantic beating of his heart and the growing heat that seemed to surround him. Why was it so hot? Was he in hell? Did God finally decide that he needed to be punished for all his sins? Because he had an impressive stack of sins that outweighed his good side.

Did he even have a good side anymore? Had he completely lost it and turned dark side? Certainly cutting his wrists had to be an indication.

_Just say yes I can answer all your questions for you. _

Sam shivered again at the sound of the tempting voice. It was all so tempting. Giving up, submitting to what he truly is, and just finally getting a break from the pain. Sam sighed as he turned his head again trying to soak up the pillows coldness while he still could.

The voice was tempting and he's not ashamed to say he's on the verge of finally giving in.

* * *

Dean checked himself out AMA thirty minutes ago.

He didn't want to be _prodded_ or _well rested _as the doctor put it. All he wanted was Sam. He wants a Sam that would talk to him, a Sam that has confidence in himself, a Sam that enjoys life.

He feels quite ashamed to say that this Sam wasn't exactly what he wanted. Like the ole' saying goes you can't choose your family and it pains him to think that he forgot that for so long.

No matter what family throws at you, you have to stick together. Because in the end there all you have left. Dean just forgot that and he intends not to ever forget it again.

Strolling down the corridors he reads each door till he finally comes across door number 327.

He pauses as his hand rests on the door handle. He's already been warned of what he'll see but it still terrifies him. Sam cutting himself? Has been for awhile? It makes him nauseas all over again. He closes his eyes briefly as he takes in a calming breath of air.

_You can't choose your family. _

_But you can make a difference in what your family does. _

Opening his eyes again he twisted the door handle as he walked inside.

The room was dimmed down as night still went on outside. He wasn't exactly sure of the time they got here. In all honesty he was too concerned abut Sam to care. Still is concerned. He never stopped worrying about Sam. It was always a given for constant worry to explode when he couldn't find Sam, or if Sam was feeling bad or injured.

He hasn't stopped worrying all the way back to 1983.

His eyes immediately zoned in on the bed in the middle of the room its occupant stilled in sleep.

Dean smiled a little at the thought that Sam was at least getting some good nights rest. He's not an idiot. Sam hasn't been sleeping well for a long time. Another ebb of guilt hit him to think that while he snored away blissfully unaware Sam was facing his demons and nightmares alone.

Walking over to the bed he grabbed a chair and pulled it as close as he could get.

Finally taking the incentive to look Sam in the face he cringed back at what he saw.

Sam was extremely pale as tremors ran through his body. He was reminded again of when Sam went through withdrawal. His jaw was at least going back to normal size and he breathed a sigh of relief to that. If one thing can go right in this crappy day he was glad Sam didn't look like he had a balloon on his face.

Dean didn't even want to see Sam's wrists. For fear he might lose the nights beer he guzzled down. He tenderly grabbed Sam's bound wrist and went underneath the cuff to rub soothing circles on the limb.

Sam twitched in sleep but stilled again.

He was immensely happy that he didn't feel any scar tissue so Sam had to of been cutting his other wrist.

Leaning forward Dean spoke softly. "Sammy why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you or at least got you through this." Dean cried softly as Sam still stayed still.

"There was another route kiddo and you didn't have to go cut yourself to escape it." Dean sighed as he continued rubbing over the wrist hoping that he was at least offering some form of comfort.

Sam's wrist was sticky with sweat and Dean wondered if the cuffs were hurting him. The room was obviously cool but Sam was sweating profusely. His heart rate wasn't too good either. It was rather high for his liking and Dean had the sudden urge to rip Sam from the hospital and fix him himself. These strangers didn't know his brother like he did. All they saw was a man who decided to cut himself. They didn't even know the real battle Sam was going through or the battle he's been going through his whole life.

They just didn't understand and for awhile Dean didn't either.

The thought made him want to cry. Sam was silently falling deeper and deeper away and lately Dean didn't care. He was filled with his own battles to even chance upon fixing Sam's.

He rubbed harder on the limb as guilt ate away. Watching as Sam twisted his head suddenly to the side Dean was aware that Sam indeed had a fever or some form of it. His wrist was too hot and the sweat that caked it was unnerving.

Letting go of his wrist for the time being he gently cupped Sam's cheek careful of Sam's healing jaw. The heat unnerved him and Sam moaned in his sleep as he turned into the touch more.

"I'll fix everything kiddo and I promise when you're ready to talk we'll talk. No more going through this alone I'm here now." Dean whispered as his other hand frantically pushed on the call button.

* * *

**So what ya think still liking it? If so just let me know. Feedback is appreciated. Thanx Charity**


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors Note:**I hope your liking this so far and since I'm beeing super duper nice to post it all I hope yall will return the favor and drop a review. Pretty please with a Sam on top? Anyway I jst hope your enjoying it. Thanx Charity

* * *

_So, take this night. _

_Wrap it around me like a sheet. _

_I know I'm not forgiven, _

_But I need a place to sleep. _

_So, take this night. _

_Lay me down on the street. _

_I know I'm not forgiven, _

_But I hope that I'll be given Some peace. _

It was dark.

That's all he could notice as the darkness seemed to envelope him. Ironic really. Darkness has been enveloping him all his life and now he finally realizes it.

Things were quite fuzzy and it felt as if his head _and _jaw were stuffed with cotton wool. Like something was blocking his memory in the same way something was blocking the light. His jaw only emitted a dull ache instead of the horrible throbbing it was producing earlier.

He remembered his brother had punched him in the jaw and inadvertently sprained it. He also remembered that they discovered what he did, who he was and they immediately bound him. Scared of what he could do to the outside world. Sam didn't blame anyone he was scared of himself too. It was as if all the doctors, bar patrons and people could see right through him. They could see right through the hard façade he's been keeping up. Like all his inner most secrets were put on display.

He shivered at the thought.

He didn't want to spill all of his secrets. He didn't want people to know how much of a monster he'd become. He definitely didn't want Dean to know how much he has fallen into the darkness.

The air seemed to get less and less as the heat came about. For a second Sam panicked. Was he in hell? Did he actually say yes? He shook those thoughts out as he felt the pillow beneath him. He sighed out in relief.

The pillow was soaked with sweat and was becoming a nuisance as he twisted and turned in the bed. He could hear a muttering of voices earlier but now he narrowed it down to one voice and try as he might he couldn't hear a word the guy was saying. Everything was underwater as he tried to swim to shore. He tried to concentrate real hard on the voice but everything was buzzed out.

He was starting to feel even more depressed that he couldn't understand what was going on around him.

Sam sighed as the heat got the best of him taking him even deeper into the darkness.

* * *

The doctor responded right away when he pushed frantically on the call button. He thought his thumb had broken from the force of which he was pushing on it.

Dean sighed in relief as the doctor skidded into the doorway looking haggard and frazzled.

"Is there something wrong sir?"

Dean had to contemplate how he answered this. Everything was wrong and not just in the physical sense. But the impending factor that was definitely wrong was Sam's fever. "Sam's starting to develop a fever." Dean stated with worry.

The doctor seemed to frown at that as he strode over to his patient. He fiddled in the cabinet before pulling out a tympanic thermometer. Gently depositing it into Sam's ear he waited for the beep.

Dean seemed to watch with impatient as the seconds grew longer. Was it even seconds?

The doctor slowly pulled out the thermometer when the quiet beep emitted. 102.6. He frowned even more.

Dean almost bit through his lip with worry. "So….what is it?"

"It's 102.6 and I think I might have to draw some blood but I'm pretty sure that this is a reaction to the medicine we been giving Sam for pain."

Dean blanched slightly. "So you change the meds and it will go away?"

"In a sense yes but he has had a heavy dose of pain killers in him as soon as he was emitted and it may take awhile for the medicine to get out of his system."

Dean paled even more. On top of everything else Sam would have to deal with a fever. It seemed surreal and he knew that he couldn't pass by this day without something going horribly wrong. Dean sighed. "Just do whatever you need to, to get him better."

The doctor smiled sadly. "Believe me Dean we are and as soon as I stop his medication and switch it he'll be as good as new. A nurse will bring in a water basin and a wash cloth so you can cool him down. If his temperature stays between 100 and 102 then he should be fine. I suspect his temperature will drop within the next six hours."

Dean felt some medium of relief that the fever wasn't as serious as he feared. At least he could help his brother and offer some form of comfort. He wasn't there when Sam needed him most but he's here now. That's all he could offer.

* * *

Dean gently soaked the washcloth again into the cool water as he wrung it out. He didn't know how many times he's had too since Sam's hot skin seemed to heat up the washcloth. He still feared that the fever was something more serious but Sam's fever had been gradually dwindling as it stayed somewhere between 100 and 101.

Bringing up the washcloth Dean began to rub Sam's face and neck hoping to cool him down.

Sam seemed to deflate into the bed more as the cool cloth soothed his heated skin.

Dean kept on as he began to talk. He didn't know if this was for Sam's comfort or his own. "You know I had to do this for you when you were little." Dean smiled at the memory.

"You couldn't have been more then four when you spiked that real high fever. Dad was away on a hunt and I had no way of calling him." Dean frowned at that memory. He was only eight back then and he was absolutely terrified that Sam could die. Sam's overheated skin scared him back then just like it still does now. After that incident he was always leery when Sam sparked fevers. Which of course in good ole' Sam fashion he always seemed to even with the common cold. Sam couldn't do anything halfcocked. Whether it was going all the way with a cold or a essay he wrote. Sam always surged forward and did everything in 100% fashion. It was one of the deeming qualities that he cherished about his brother.

That drive and determination was always inspiring. Lately though Sam's determination seemed to dwindle. His once headstrong brother seemed to deplete and allow Dean to take charge. Which his independent brother had never allowed before. It just shows how little he knew of his brother lately.

Stopping his ministrations he took the time to actually look at his brother.

Sam really did look bad. His eyes and cheeks were sunken in as dark circles mirrored each eye giving him a dead quality. His face was pale with glistening sweat as he continued to fight the effects of the fever. The blanket barely laid on top of his brother's skeletal body. When he came back from hell Sam had gained a huge form of muscle mass even surpassing his own. Now through he only seems like skin and bones.

Looking back on it he really didn't question his brother when he opted not to eat. He just passed it off as Sam being stubborn. Why didn't he take the time to notice his brother was falling apart? When did he ever stop caring for him?

The thought seemed to deflate his earlier mood as he set the wash cloth down and gently cupped Sam's cheek. Wishing all the heat there would transfer into him somehow. "Sam," Dean sighed. "I know I haven't been the brother you needed lately but I promise I'll be here now. No more hiding things kiddo. We'll get through this like we always do." Dean only hoped they would.

* * *

**Still liking it? If not that's a-ok I'm just glad that you all are giving it a chance since this has been the bane of my exsistance for awhile lol. Feedback is appreciated. Thanx Charity**


	6. Chapter 6

**Authors Note: **The last two chapters will be transtion chapters or also known as the recovery chapter. We knocked them both down so it's time we build them up or are you guys enjoying the knock down lol. Thanx Charity

* * *

_Some peace. _

It was around 4:00 that Sam finally woke up.

Dean was extremely happy that his brother was recovering. Though the fever still raged on Dean had high hopes that it would be gone soon. Leaning in so he could be in better viewpoint he smiled down at Sam. "Hey Sam it's good to see you awake."

What Dean was not expecting was for Sam to physically flinch back into the bed and start to burst out into sobs. Dean hoped that it was the fever but he had a feeling that it wasn't the fever at all.

Frowning Dean continued. "It's alright Sam your alright." He tried to sooth his brother the best he could but Sam wasn't hearing him. He continued to twist and turn as he tried to get out of bed. Dean fearing that Sam would injure himself more he quickly pushed him back down to the bed.

"It's alright Sam calm down." Even his calmest voice wasn't working and Dean was on the verge of panicking himself. "Sam….Sammy? Calm down!" He tried a more commanding voice but Sam was just mumbling incoherently since his jaw was still hurting.

"Nmmmoo pl'se d'n lve me." Sam continued his incoherent mumbling till the doctor finally had to come in and sedate him.

Dean frowned even more. He knew that Sam was a little disoriented from the fever but this? It almost seemed like Sam was afraid of something. Bile rose up in his throat as he made the connection. Sam was afraid of _me. _Was Sam afraid of my reaction to what he's doing? Or had Dean been such a horrible brother lately that he was instilling fear into his baby brother? Dean didn't like either option.

"He should be asleep for a little while." The doctor claimed as he checked Sam's vital signs and scribbled them on his chart.

Dean got shook out of his thinking as he heard the doctor. He didn't want Sam sleeping anymore. He wanted Sam up and talking to him. He had to make this horrible situation better someway. "Any idea why he acted like that?" Dean questioned but feared the answer.

The doctor smiled. "It's just the fever it's making him a little disoriented. Once the fever breaks then he'll be more coherent."

Dean nodded solemnly. Dean didn't think that this was the fever. Not one bit.

* * *

As Sam gradually become aware of consciousness again he could hear the noises more clearly. One noise sounded like a monotone beeping. Heart monitor? Those are only in the hos- Sam stopped mid sentence as he froze. He was in a hospital? Did Dean find out? Did the doctors think he was some sort of quack? Though he wouldn't put it past them.

He blinked open his hazy eyes to see one face leering down upon him. He would have been comfortable and felt secure if it was any other situation but this wasn't any other situation.

Unfortunately this is reality and no one ever gets what they want.

He immediately jumped back into the bed trying to hide himself as small as possible. He was pretty sure he was making some strange keening noises but all things that flew out of his mouth were garbled.

No matter what he did Dean was still persistent. He didn't want Dean to see his wrist and he didn't want Dean to know who he truly was. All logic flew out the window at that point. He never really remembered he was still strapped down to the bed. That could be why his arms wouldn't come up to hide his face.

He felt hands on him holding him down and heard Dean's commanding voice to calm down but he didn't paid heed. Just like all his life he didn't listen.

Finally a calming sense swept over him. He felt it being pumped in through his veins. It wasn't the hot burn of medication or the burden of his demon blood it was soothing. He stopped fighting and finally sunk down into the bed. Enjoying the coming darkness.

* * *

Dean sighed as he sat waiting. It seems like he's been waiting his whole life for something. But nothing ever turns out the way he's wanted. He's tried so hard to nurture Sam, help him grow and explore life. It's what Sam wanted and back then everyone was affected by his puppy dog powered eyes.

He never in his wildest dreams thought that this would happen. Sam cutting himself? It sounded ridiculous. Back then when there dad had died Sam may have been grieving but he was strong in parts that Dean seriously lacked back then. Back in that cabin when there dad was possessed Sam was strong and determined. No matter how terrifying the matter Sam held strong even when Dean didn't. It's so odd how Dean portrays a strong will but inside he's a lot more terrified then he's willing to admit. Sam may act like the brooding, pain in the ass but he's so much stronger then he will ever be. So it comes as a huge shock that Sam was in turmoil.

Sam was falling and Dean wasn't there to lend a hand.

It seems as if he hadn't been there to offer a hand in along time and that doesn't help Dean's guilt any.

Brushing a stray strand of hair out of Sam's eyes he smiled. He remembered a time when he was doing the same thing except Sam didn't cut himself and Sam was just eleven years old having to get his tonsils removed. Even though there dad told him that Sam would be fine there was still a sense of worry. Still a nagging feeling that something was wrong. In good ole' Sam fashion he pulled through strong and probably whined about three days to feed him ice-cream. Which Dean complied. He always did no matter what the cost. Even if they were running low on funds he still made sure Sam had his ice-cream.

Dean sighed again. "Come on Sammy this sleeping is getting a little old. I'm beginning to think your going to pull a rip van winkle on me." Like any other time before Sam didn't answer. Dean was beginning to think that Sam would never talk to him again.

"When you get out of this hospital we need to have us a serious talk." Dean reprimanded.

"Maybe then I could understand you better but that still doesn't count for voluntarily cutting yourself. I mean it!" Dean's voice rose even though no one was around to hear him. "Don't you ever do that to me again. I lost too much already I can't lose you too!" Dean sobbed the last part out as his angry rational voice left him. "I won't."

* * *

When Sam finally woke into consciousness again he didn't feel depressed or confused he felt serene. He hasn't felt this at peace in a long time. He wondered if something else was at play here. Blinking open his eyes he was met with a crisp white ceiling. The sun was peeking through the curtains and gleaming off anything metal. He lay there for awhile as he contemplated what to do next. He obviously wasn't going anywhere due to his wrists and ankles being strapped down. So all he could really do was lay there. His jaw hurt but not as bad as it use too.

Turning his head he almost gasped at what he saw. Dean?

His eyes began to water at the thought but he's been running away for too long and it wasn't like he was going anywhere now. Time to man up and do what's right. _As his dad would say. _

Dean was passed out in an uncomfortable chair small snores were emitted from his open mouth. Even though he was sleeping Sam could clearly see the worry lines etched into Dean's face. Sam cringed at the thought that he put them there.

Sam didn't want to wake Dean so he just lay there contemplating what too say. Obviously Dean knows or his face wouldn't be bathed in worry. Sam finds it odd that worry was the controlling emotion. For weeks Sam was scared that if Dean found out he would finally wash his hands clean of his _burden. _Sam knew that lately Dean was like a ticking time bomb ready to explode so Sam didn't want to be the one to set him off. He tried his best to stay out of Dean's way and not upset him in any manor. He was keeping up a good show until Dean punched him in the jaw. He doesn't blame Dean if he were someone else he would punch himself in the face too. All he's been lately was a burden, a nuisance, a screw up. Sam wanted so badly to change that but he came to the realization long ago that, that's just who he is. He was meant to be the screw-up, burden and nuisance. That really put into effect that he was generally depressed.

He never smiled, he never laughed and he never made anyone happy let alone trying to make himself happy. He was always frowning, he was always silent and he definitely wasn't happy. He often wondered if he was cursed to be depressed for the rest of his life because it seemed like no matter how hard he tried he just can't be happy anymore. He really isn't sure if he ever was. That thought was even more depressing.

* * *

"_That's it Sammy you can do it." Dean smiled at his younger brother as he attempted to walk his way over to there dad. Daddy was crouched down on the floor with his arms wide open a smile on his face as well. Dean wasn't sure if this smile was for real or not. Daddy never smiled anymore and Dean could sympathize but what's not to smile about when Sammy's about to walk? He waited and waited for this day and it made him even happier that Sam was going to walk close to his birthday that would be the greatest birthday present of all. _

"_Come to daddy Sammy." _

_Sammy seemed to contemplate what to do. He quickly pulled himself up as he looked between the two men. Daddy or Deanie who do I walk too? Both wanted me to walk to them but he just couldn't choose. Once he got himself up he was wobbly at first but once he finally got his balance he quickly shuffled on. Keening and cooing noises were escaping his lips as he laughed and giggled. _

_Dean was amazed at how far Sam got he was halfway there to there father. "Almost there Sammy." Dean chided. _

_Sammy seemed to stop mid walk as he looked over to Deanie he was extremely happy about something but there was a hint of sadness to his eyes. Sammy wanted to make his Deanie happy so choice made he quickly wobbled over to him. _

_Dean was taken aback as Sammy changed directions. Instead of hobbling to his father he was hobbling to him. Putting his arms out wide he gladly accepted Sam into his arms as he made it there. Sam laughed and giggled when he finally hit his arms. Dean buried Sam to his chest as he too laughed. "You did it Sammy! You did it. I'm so proud of you."_

"_Dee Dee!!" Sam stated cheerfully. _

"_Did you see daddy Sammy walked!" Dean stated with glee as his dad looked over to them with a huge smile but also disappointment. Why was daddy disappointed? Didn't he see Sammy walking? Dean just shrugged as he hugged the giggling child tighter. _

Dean was smiling in his sleep at the fond memory. He remembered how Sam had walked only a couple days from his birthday. It was one of the best birthdays ever in his opinion. He also remembered that his dad had lingering disappointment in his eyes that day. Back then his child mind really couldn't figure out why. Now though as he looks back at it he could clearly tell why his dad was disappointed. Dad wanted Sam to walk to him and was sad when he didn't. Back then Dean didn't care who Sam walked too as long as he walked. Although there was a hint of sadness due to Sam choosing there dad but either way Dean didn't care. It just made him happy.

Sam made him happy back then. When did Sam stop making him happy? Sam always made him happy. He never would admit it but any time he was feeling down all he had to do was see Sam and he would light up instantly. When did that stop happening? When did he start deciding to get his happiness out of a bottle?

His mind was suddenly bombarded with another presence. And this presence wasn't sleeping. He smiled even more. Blinking open his eyes he could see Sam starting straight at the ceiling and he was instantly alert at the way Sam's brain was running rampant.

"Sam I can hear you thinking a mile a minute don't you ever turn that thing off?" Dean chuckled.

Dean quickly picked his head up when his brother didn't respond. Staring at Sam's lifeless stare down of the ceiling Dean frowned. Nudging Sam's shoulder a little Dean continued to speak. "Sammy? What's wrong man?"

Sam continued to stare on though he did flinch when he started to talk. "Jus go away Dean." Sam mumbled slurring some of the words a bit.

Dean had to stop himself from crying. "Not gonna happen kiddo. How do you feel?" Dean asked as he gently carded his fingers though Sam's hair hoping that this would quell the angry mood of his.

Sam seemed to shudder at the touch even though it was calming him. Sam shrugged as best as he could sense he really could move his arms or ankles.

Dean sighed. "Don't be like that kiddo let me in."

Sam wanted so badly to let Dean in but it hurt. He's been riding a roller coaster alone by himself ever since Dean was in hell and it was hard to let someone in. Dean wanted to help and Sam wanted to let him help but he didn't know how to ask for help anymore so he took the other route and broke down into sobs.

Dean's resolve melted at seeing Sammy cry. He quickly rushed up to hug him as best as he could. He cradled his head in his hands as he too started to cry. "Aw Sammy. Shhhh it will get better I promise things will get better." Dean cooed as he continued to hug Sam. Things were pretty rocky right now but Dean had hope that everything will be better. It's the only thing he could really cling too.

Sam cried even more as he heard Dean's calming words. Boy did he hope things got better. He let Dean hold him for the time being as he broke down all his emotional walls. If Dean thought things could get better from _this_ then things must get better. They have too because Sam wasn't sure what he would do if they didn't.

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**Are you liking the rebuilding chapter so far? Did you like the little flashback too? I hope yall did and if so drop a line or something but all you silent supporters out there are wonderful. Thanx to all. Feedback is appreciated. Thanx Charity**


	7. Chapter 7

**Authors Note: **I warn that this chapter is going to be shorter than others since it's sort of the epilogue to the story. So with that I just wanted to let you all know so you don't come back demanding to me why it's so short lol. I hope you enjoyed this story and come to terms with depression. It hits you fast and hard and sometimes you can't come out of the funk. _First hand experience. _Thanx for reading and reviewing. Thanx Charity

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_Some peace. _

Three days later Sam was finally let out of the hospital. Dean couldn't have been any more excited. It showed in the way he walked, talked, eat even breathed. Nothing could get his mood down especially after his and Sammy's little chat the night before. He frowned at that memory even though the talk was necessary he didn't expect Sam to unleash another bomb on him. Sam told him there was no other way to describe it and that he was depressed had been for a while now. Depressed? Jesus! He never thought that it would go to that extremity. _Well it did in actuality when Sam cut himself. _

Dean shook the burdening thoughts out of his head as he practically skipped into Sam's room. Sam was sitting on the bed clothed in regular clothing instead of the stupid hospital gown that they always administered. Dean could still tell that Sam was troubled but he wasn't as weighed down as before. He seemed calm a lot calmer than he had been in days. Weeks? Even months. Dean was starting to like the serene ease that flowed out of Sam.

"You ready to blow this popsicle joint? I sure as hell am. These nurses aren't even hot dude." Dean complained with a smile plastered on his face at Sam's reaction. It wasn't the 100 watt smile he normally sees but it was a grin and that was all he could ask for.

Sam sighed out in relief. He was still depressed there was no getting over that but for once he felt like things could get better that he could finally move on out of the rut he's been in for months. He looked forlornly at his wrist and winced in disgust. How messed up must he have been to think that cutting yourself was ok? Or that it would help him fix his problems?

When did he ever sink so low that cutting himself was an escape from the pain? Ironic to think that he was escaping pain but inadvertently causing more. Sam shook his head in bewilderment. Things weren't ok they may never be but that doesn't mean he can't work to make things at least a little bit better. Grinning up at his brother he rolled his eyes in good ole' Sam fashion. "Do you ever think with your upstairs brain?"

Dean frowned but despite it all he was grinning. "Hey you just got to know how to prioritize."

Sam rolled his eyes again as he pushed off the bed. His jaw still hurt but his speech was so much better than it use to be. The bruises were fading also. He didn't think he could handle walking out into public with a big ass bruise on his face. "Let's just get out of here this place is creeping me out."

You and me both little brother. You and me both.

* * *

The drive to the motel room was nice. Sam thought. Normally he would try to slink down into the passenger seat and hide. But today he was actually enjoying his brothers company. He didn't really know when he stopped enjoying it. Dean had the music blasting as he drove down the road. Sam didn't mind not really but what was sort of annoying him was that Dean was singing along. Dean can't sing well. In all his years he hasn't known someone so humble. Hell Dean thinks he's the hottest thing on the block when he's naked. He constantly was saying how sexy he is in the bathroom! Sam knows because Dean definitely says it loud enough.

Sam smiled at that. He forgot that usually Dean being annoying and irritable was _normal. _It felt so right. If Dean wasn't annoying Sam usually doesn't know how to act. He guesses that's what put him in a funk for those past few months. Because Dean wasn't being annoying Dean was just pissed all the time. Pissed at the world, pissed at random people, pissed at the angels and demons, even pissed at him.

Sam frowned at all the times Dean yelled at him or hurt his feelings when the only thing Sam did was ask if he was alright. They both have stuff to deal with and get over and Dean's already made the first step he needed to make his.

"Turn it up louder Dean I love this song." Even though he really didn't due to the loud drumbeats which always rattled his ears Sam decided to lighten up for once and live a little. He's been missing out on too much lately and in reality your only gonna live once well you get what I'm saying.

Dean grinned even more and looked over to Sam's smiling face. Sam didn't like this song he's told him on numerous occasions how much he loathed this song but Dean took it as what it was a peace treaty. "What ever you say little brother."

"_Run to the hills, run for your lives Run to the hills, run for your lives"_

Sam smiled as he got more comfortable in the seat letting the beat of the music lull him to sleep.

* * *

When they got to the motel room Sam's good mood depleted Dean was completely driving him insane. His constant questions of how are you feeling and do you need anything were completely driving him nuts. He really appreciates what Dean is doing he can never put into words how gracious he is for what Dean does and for Dean just being there. But this wasn't that scenario if Dean didn't give him space now he was going to burst.

After Dean insisted that he fluff his pillow again Sam couldn't take it anymore. "Dean! Please would you stop it! You're driving me crazy."

Dean seemed to deflate and that made Sam start to feel guilty again. "I'm sorry it's just-"

Sam asked in a softer tone this time. "It's just what Dean? I get it I do. I scared the hell out of you probably still am but I'm getting better. You helped me Dean you really did and that's all the thanks I need." Sam offered honestly. He didn't know what he would become if Dean hadn't intervened.

Dean's eyes got misty after Sam's confession. "You did scare the hell out of me." Dean offered as he sat down in a chair. "If you ever I repeat _**ever **_do that again I will fucking beat you to a bloody ass pulp. Do you understand me?"

Sam swallowed as he sat straighter up in the bed. "Understood I promise no more."

Dean sighed as the venom in his voice dropped. "Good." He whispered. "I get that you're aggravated I just want to make you happy again. I want to see you laugh and smile. God do you know how much I missed you smiling?"

Sam own eyes began to water. He was so lucky to have Dean he couldn't even fathom how lucky. "I know." Sam whispered.

"I do anything and I mean anything to make you happy again I don't care what it takes." Dean stated with conviction.

Sam's eyes stilled misted with unshed tears but he seemed to roll that over in his head for a bit. "Anything?" Sam questioned innocently.

"Yes anything." Dean replied.

Sam just smirked as a laugh broke out.

Dean's earlier determination quickly turned to confusion and also a hint of fear. What did he get himself into? "Sammy what are you planning?"

Sam just continued on laughing and boy did it sound good.

* * *

"I can't believe your making me do this! I'm about to barf." Dean said with disgust as he continued to rub his brother's feet.

Sam just smiled actually liking the foot rub. His feet were killing him for a while due to always being on his feet. Sam just sighed in contempt as he smiled even more. "My feet don't stink there a hell of a lot cleaner than yours."

"Hey my feet smell like roses." Dean defended as he continued massaging Sam's feet. This is what he's come to a personal foot masseur. _Great. _

"Dean last time you took off your socks they stunk up the whole friggin motel room and we had to get a new one. I mean geez it smelt like you haven't taken your socks off for a week." Sam almost gagged at the memory.

Dean smiled even more. "Would it disgust you even more to know that I hadn't removed them in over a week?"

Sam actually gagged a little and had to stop bile from rising. "Dean!!!" Sam whined.

Dean just kept on smiling. Even though he was massaging his brothers feet if this was the road it took him to make Sam happy he do it every friggin day. Sam wasn't ok but neither was he. It's too dangerous to fight with each other now. Family was all he had left and he wouldn't compromise that situation. Not anymore.

Not hearing a retort from Sam had him jerking his head up. Sam was fast asleep. _Damn is he good or what? _

Chuckling too himself he pulled the blanket up higher and patted it gently.

He had an errand to run. He wasn't going to let Sam get off scoot free. For giving him the scare of his life and making him rub his stinky feet he was going to make Sam pay. With a little pink dye anything is possible.

Grabbing Sam's duffle bag he quietly excited the motel as Sam slept unaware.

_One week later_

Dean was busy reading the morning news paper as Sam grabbed his duffle bag and brought it into the shower. Things were going smoothly and he really enjoyed this new peace that was laid upon them.

Circling a potential hunt he almost jumped at Sam's angry voice.

"DEAN!!! I'm going to kill you!!"

Dean just smiled. "Let that be a lesson too you. I don't just rub feet for free."

"DEAN!!!"

Dean smirked as he continued reading. Oh yeah things would be just fine.

**Fin**

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**I really hoped you all enjoyed this story as much as I have. This story is really helping me get over my own depression in an odd sense. I also hope you enjoyed the comic relief in this chapter since it's somehwhat of a epilouge but not quite. No sure how that makes sense but it does to me lol. I hope you all enjoyed the read and send me a line or whatever. Thanks to all who've read, reviewed and were just silent supporters your what keeps me writing. Ok I think the addiction of Sam being hurt helps too lol. Feedback is appreciated. Thanx Charity**


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